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Sometimes I wish that I could be someone else just to understand if I am normal. I am quite possibly socially retarded.
I can't believe how insecure I have become. Hopefully this is just one of those "teenage awkwardness" phases.
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Thursday, April 20th, 2006
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Life is just plain weird right now.
I'm currently wondering where i'm gonna end up as well as doing what?
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Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
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sometimes i hate being me. no, a lot of the time.
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Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
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you used to say things like that to me ^
then everything got confusing.
now i dont know what to think. maybe i shouldnt anymore.
i miss the way you used to be, the fun you.
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The anticipation is killing me. I need it removed from my life. Help me to not live in the dreams of my future. Worrying soloves nothing. Things will happen out of my idea of how my life is supposed to play out. Help me to just let it go.
Enough of what i dont have, what i do have is so much more. for i can do nothing while worrying, nor NOTHING without you. Without you i can do nothing but with you i can do everything. Use me to my full potential, no worries of pleasing others or even myself.
Where am i to go and what am i to do? Thats all i have ever wanted to know.
Show me my way, or rather, your ways.
Make this feeling of content ness in you last forever!
I pray for someone, anyone, who sees you as I do. I don’t really know what I am asking for but I do know you know how to do this. Make me a better me.
in other news the greatest job in the world would be to be on broadway. Maybe i should go after that??......
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Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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I THINK I GOT IT, I THINK I GOT IT, I THINK I GOT IT!
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Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
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| Time: | 6:55 pm. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. |
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PRAISE THE LORD, for chicken and artichokes.... its a good thing my dad can cook!
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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I love my life and i love the fact that i might have this possible opportunity!
praise the lord!woooooo.
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I hate the night. it makes me feel trapped and insecure and discontent. sun = good!
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Thursday, April 21st, 2005
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I LOVE MY PUPPY!
HAHAHA to ralph after he has been forced to take a bath!
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| Time: | 12:35 am. |
| Mood: |  drained. |
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why is kelly clarkson my fricken new favorite right now?
ha im a nerd. prob cause its all to familiar.
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Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
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well from reading my old OLD entries i have come to the conclusion that i am now boring and pathetic and need to get a job. When did i become such a piece o crap?
oh how i long for days when life was so less confusing(would i have really thought that then?). things just happened and i wasnt so damn self concious. having fun wasnt something that had to be worked at. is it possible to feel lost in your own life? i obviously got off course and just now realizing i need to get back on. things just seemed to "click" then, so what happened between then and now?
i think i got stupid.
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im starting to feel a lot like i did when i was younger...the day dreamer in me is coming back and im pretty sure its not necessarily a good thing. well maybe in some ways.
im thinking about cutting my hair again. But i dont know. i know once i would do it i would regret it cause theres not much you can do with short hair. but its not as if i do a lot with my long hair. i dont know?
i have come to the conclusion that im addicted to the television and im addicted to the computer and without them i would actually be productive. I realized that my productive streak ended when internet came into my life. im thinking about pulling the plug on both and becoming intellectual. hmmm.
is it you that i miss or the idea of you... that is the question...
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old journals make me laugh. somebody stop me from being such a goober!
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okay so im wierd. deal. my face itches. scratching off all my skin will be the death of me. as much as ia hate it i just cant stop. my hands always have to be doing something. maybe i should take up something... any suggestions?
i cant wait until that beautiful day.
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so as much as i get annoyed with my family i love them to death. They have this way of creating faith in myself that i couldnt have alone. if they believe in me than i should be able to have faith in myself. my lifes not over. its just beginning... im still fricken young. What am i to do with myself? I miss having activities like when i was younger. I dont know why i ever quit. I think cause i felt like i wasnt as good as everyone else, like the time in ballet where i desperately wanted to move to pointe but my "ankles werent strong enough". I have always had the urge to go out and buy pointe shoes... maybe i should do that. I really hope that i get the job at camp kitaki... i would love it.
maybe i should sign up for those first aid and cpr classes...
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no school equals me get more than 2 hours of sleep last night... HOORAY!
Ralph says "hi"! (in a strange sort of dog noise).
I have the new bright eyes cd's thanks to the lovely Lindsey... and i would have to say that i like digital ash more than im awake its morning. maybe im just wierd.
It is nice out and i should go play in the sun(or the clouds) but i need to get some h to the omework done before that happens therefore this is the end of my written nonsense on here...
BYE!
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| Subject: | mother |
| Time: | 9:18 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | not what id call music to my ears. |
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i come home from class and and she comes running down and gives me a hug telling me shes wept off and on all day for me. i love my mom and i dont give her enough credit.
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Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
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i feel alone and unuseful and unwanted and unloved.
...yet i feel very selfish for having these feelings.
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Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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I really dont know how to explain how i feel right now. I feel lost. But strangely found at the same time. Where do i go from here? Life has thrown me a curve ball but i think i was off track in the first place and am just now being forced to get back on. But to where? i dont know. I really wish this would all be over and that wonderful day would come but until then ill just keep treading water.
Dont you love how im being vague. I have to be. I havent yet admitted it to myself let alone everyone else. I guess its now time to live my life for my benefit, or not my benefit but his benefit. Not his benefit or my false attempts at completion.
"dont you know i've always loved you. Even before there was time. If you turn away ill tell you still. Dont you know i've always loved you and i always will."
I feel so selfish. Im sorry.
"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres."
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Saturday, October 9th, 2004
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all i have to say is dance party = FUN
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i just got back from a walk and i realize i miss a lot of the little things in life. i miss when i was a kid and i had to walk every where, i didnt have a chance to avoid the things you can when your in the car. spring is the best time of the year.
on the way back home i was walking down this part of the road that turns into a bridge.. low and behold a skunk comes trotting my way, lets just say i checked to see if any cars were coming then jetted across to the other side before it had a chance to spray me with its lovely aroma.
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Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
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im going to cut my hair tomorrow
i should just do it cause im sick of the way it is now...
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Friday, February 27th, 2004
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i just saw the passion of the christ and all i have to say is.......
wow. amazing. *tear
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
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okay so the wierdest thing in the world just happened to me.
i had just gotten out of the shower and hear our phone for the door ringing; i run out and get it.
the voice on the other end is like, "this is the lincoln police department can you please let me in?"
i was like um sure.
but i dont know if that was a good idea.. do we really want cops running around in here. i mean first off i have this guinea pig that im not supposed to have... and then theres alicia- stupid hamturd.
haha. wow that experience was wierd.
i was like man what did i do, WHAT DID I DO; besides the fact i was standing there naked(well underneath the towel)
turns out he didnt even come up to my room so.. good. i didnt want to have to rat out cierras bad pot smoking habits... "i swear i thought it was just a dead skunk in our air vent" ha.
oh well i should probably go.. got studying to do
bye
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ilikeyoualot's journal
complacent.
scared.